Wife seeks help after husband’s post-heart-attack fear stalls intimacy

Dear Pastor,

I have followed your column for a long time. Now in my forties, I still turn to it. On some days I purchase THE STAR, bring it home, and settle in after dinner and a shower to read what you have written. When I am overseas, my husband picks up the paper and keeps every issue for me so I miss none of your columns when I come back.

My difficulty is this: after my husband suffered a heart attack, he has grown very hesitant about having sex with me. He says fear is holding him back. I have promised to go slowly with him. Before the attack, I preferred the missionary position and liked him above me. That arrangement now frightens him. I offered to reverse roles and take the top position myself, but he replied that he would not feel like a true man, because in his view a real man must “do his job on top of a woman.”

I am unsure how to ease that anxiety about us being intimate again. I spoke with his doctor, who explained what he should and should not do and confirmed that intercourse is fine because he remains in good condition. Still, his fear is intense. When he gives me oral sex, I do not complain; I find the same pleasure as before. What I miss, though, is full sexual intercourse with him. Can you offer any guidance?

H.

Dear H.,

I am not a physician. From research I have done, however, I understand that a satisfying sexual relationship is still possible after surgery. Your letter shows you are prepared to meet your husband halfway, yet fear has closed him off from trying. Keep going gently with him. Things will improve. Do not abandon hope for him.

Pastor