Teen torn between absent boyfriend and older man offering support

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 and still live with my mother and father, along with my brother and sister. I have a boyfriend, but I have no confidence in him. He hardly creates space in his life for me, and there are times when three weeks pass without us seeing each other.

He keeps telling me that work has him tied up and that, before long, he will be able to spend more time with me. Most of the time, I am the person making contact. I asked him to be honest, because I do not want to spend my young years on somebody who is not serious about me.

He told me he is not using up my time, but said if I find another person and fall in love, I should go ahead with my life. The truth is that I have already started seeing another man. This man is always there when I need him, and whenever I call, he picks up.

He invited me to his home and I accepted. His place is very nice. He explained that he has a child with a woman, but she is not living in Jamaica. She and the child are in North America.

I care deeply for this man. He is double my age, but he handles me kindly and provides the things I ask him for. He said he would be out of the country for a full month, but told me not to worry because he plans to come back.

I asked whether he intends to marry the mother of his child. He said he does not know and that he is not rushing into marriage with her. I am not looking to marry him, because he is educated and the mother of his child is educated too. He has promised to help me return to school from September.

Before I got involved with him, my sister and I shared one bed. Since then, he has bought me a bed and a dresser. He bought the bed before we had sex.

My boyfriend, who is always claiming to be busy, has never given me anything big or meaningful. Still, whenever we get together, he expects sex. I used to agree because I felt I had no better option. He thinks I may have another man, but I have told him that is not so.

The older man asked whether I had a boyfriend, and I answered honestly. He then asked whether my boyfriend and I were sleeping together, and I said yes. He warned me that I should end that relationship because he does not want to pick up any illness from me.

I now regret admitting that I am still sexually involved with my boyfriend. Whenever the older man and I are about to be intimate, he asks if I am certain I do not have any disease. That question makes me ashamed.

I am not a wicked or loose girl. If my boyfriend had been treating me properly and making himself available, I would not have searched for another man. But I do not know how to walk away from this older man, because he means everything to me. Please advise me.

K

Dear K,

I see the difficulty you are facing. You are saying that, had your boyfriend taken care of your emotional and other needs, you would have stayed loyal to him. But when you do see him, he mainly wants sex, and he does not offer much financial help.

The man who is twice your age is in a stronger position to assist you, and he has been giving you solid support. However, he already has a woman in his life, and they share a child. Although she is overseas, you realise that he has feelings for her. His month away will be spent visiting her.

You should understand that this relationship with the older man may not be permanent. Since he has offered to send you back to school, you may accept that help. At the same time, prepare yourself for the possibility that he could tell you at any moment that the relationship between you and him has to stop.

Either he may decide to settle in North America, or the mother of his child may return to Jamaica. It is unlikely that she will be comfortable with her man remaining in Jamaica under these circumstances. So I must tell you plainly that one day you may receive painful news that he is leaving. Get yourself ready for that.

Pastor