Tell Me Pastor: She still seeks me out years after the 'jacket' revelation

Dear Pastor,

I have wanted to write to you for some time now, but reading and writing are not my strong suit. A close friend of mine is putting these words on paper for me today. He and I grew up side by side and were once neighbours, until his parents relocated and carried him with them. He has spent many years living in America, but he has never lost touch by phone. He has been a wonderful friend.

In my 20s, I had a girlfriend who insisted I had gotten her pregnant. I doubted her because word had reached me that she was involved with another man. I still went to my father about it. He asked me whether I had been intimate with her and I admitted I had, so he advised me to claim the child. Out of obedience, I took on the responsibility and supported the boy.

As the child grew, however, he carried no resemblance to me or anyone in my family. By the time he was three, even my father conceded that something did not add up. Eventually, the mother told me she had bumped into the child's real father at a market and realised she had handed me a child who was not mine. Once they pieced together the timeline of when she had been with each of us, it was clear the child could not have been my own. From that point I stopped giving her money, and the other man, who lives on one of the other islands, took over the child's upkeep.

The trouble is, whenever this woman is short of money, she comes looking for me. She also strips off her clothes the moment she steps inside. I never have to make a request for sex, she simply expects it to happen. The child's biological father is married, but she herself never married.

Pastor, I live alone and the truth is I would like to be married. She has told me the only time she is intimate with anyone is when she comes to me. I am not sure whether to take her at her word, because she is still good-looking. A few months back, I parted with $40,000 from my savings to help her. I am someone who saves hard. When I asked how it could be that she has no man, she replied that I am the only man she trusts.

I honestly do not know what to do. I am advancing in age and I would love to have someone to look after me. Living alone is not what I want, yet I am not certain this woman can be trusted. She has told me she explained the whole story to her son, who is now a grown man. He said the two of us should never have parted, because he would have preferred me as his father over his biological one. The young man has gone on to do well for himself.

Pastor, please advise me. Part of the reason I never married is that this experience left me struggling to believe what any woman tells me. I am sure you will understand.

Dear H.,

You have not actually said whether you love this woman. You keep showing her kindness, which suggests there are still feelings on your side, so I have to put the question to you plainly: do you love her? Are you ready to set aside what happened and begin again with her? Not every woman walks away from a man with $40,000, so it is no surprise she is so eager to undress when she visits.

She has told you she does not go to bed with anyone else, which seems to be her way of saying you are special to her. The question is whether you believe her. If you have other children, this is the kind of situation you should be discussing with them, though ultimately the choice to marry rests with you alone.

A woman can say whatever it takes to make a man feel he is the only one. I will not pass judgement on her, but in your shoes I would be slow to swallow her claim about what she does and does not do. Trusting women is no simple matter. I have often said men are liars, and women are no different on that front.

Thanks to your friend for helping you put this letter together. If you would like to talk further, you can reach me at 876-877-1009.

Pastor