Pastor Advises Woman to Insist on Fresh Ring After Fiancé Reused Ex's Band

Dear Pastor,

I am 27 and currently seeing a man who was once engaged to a close friend of mine. Their relationship ended after he claimed she was involved with someone else. She denied it, though I was aware she had been seeing another man. That was never my place to raise.

When he travelled to Jamaica, they had a serious quarrel and he and I became involved. I made it clear I did not want to come between him and my friend. He returned to America and began phoning me daily. He also started sending me money, which I appreciated.

We eventually became a couple. I spoke openly with the woman he had left, and she told me she had moved on. She said if he wanted to be with me, I should not refuse him. When I asked how she truly felt, she replied that whatever happened between them was finished. I also asked whether she had been with another man while they were still together. She admitted she went out with him and that they slept together, but said she did not know how her former fiancé found out.

I agreed to the relationship. He came back to Jamaica and proposed on my birthday last year. When I saw the ring, it was identical to the one he had given my friend. Nothing about it had been changed. I questioned why he did not purchase a new engagement ring for me, and he insisted the one he placed on my finger was new. I know that is not true. I wore it only while he was here in Jamaica, and I have not put it on since he left. We are set to marry in October, and I expect to wear a ring again when he returns.

Should I really keep wearing a band that another woman wore before me? He earns well and could easily afford a fresh ring. I have asked him to ensure that whatever he slips on my finger at the wedding is brand new, and he agreed. His former girlfriend has not seen it since. To ease my mind, he said he would buy another ring. I also suggested he purchase a new engagement ring and take back the one he gave me, and he said that would be fine. Pastor, do you believe I should accept an engagement ring that once belonged to another woman?

Dear M.,

Engagement rings carry a heavy price, and this gentleman understands that full well. I have no reason to doubt that the ring on your hand is the same one he presented to his previous partner. He may have had it polished and hoped you would not notice.

I can see why you feel uneasy wearing jewellery that once marked a promise to the woman he accused of infidelity. She has confessed to you that she was intimate with someone else, yet she also made peace with your decision to stay with him. Some people might argue that reusing the ring should not matter. I disagree. If he genuinely cares for you, he ought to place on your finger a ring no other woman has worn.

Everything on your hand should feel like a fresh start. Avoid turning the matter into a battle, but gently urge him to replace the ring before you both say your vows. If another band is beyond his means right now, tell him the two of you can marry without rings and buy a pair you both love when finances allow. Rings hold deep meaning. You are entitled to symbols that belong only to you.

Pastor