Tied to my ex

Counsellor,

I have been with my fiancé for two years now. He proposed this new year’s. My dilemma is that for the duration of our relationship, I have also been intimate with my ex, who I am still close with because when we were together, I basically raised his son as mine, and I have a connection with the child. I broke up with my ex for being unfaithful to me, but now I’m juggling both men.

I am aware that when I started the relationship with my fiancé, it was a rebound thing. Now he’s serious, but I still haven’t gotten over my ex, who was my high school sweetheart. My ex isn’t interested in anything long-term.

I’m not cheating for love, I just feel like I got tied. Should I tell my fiancé the truth, or wait for the relationship with my ex to fizzle out?

You are in a long-standing relationship and you’ve been cheating on your partner, and you want to know what to do. Deception is always a compromised foundation to build on. You might recall in the Bible how the Lord instructs people to build on a sure foundation of rock, rather than sand. Deception is a foundation of sand that can cause your investment of time, energy and resources to be swept away quite easily.

You should be prepared to tell your fiancé the truth about your unfaithfulness over the past two years, and let the chips fall where they may. He will certainly be hurt and probably angry. Prepare for that too. He has loved you enough to propose, I would suggest that you honour him with the truth. Yes, it may mean the end of the relationship. But I would say, you will be doing what is right, and your conscience will be clearer. As is said, it’s never wrong to do what’s right!

You may also want to examine what feelings have led you to continue an intimate relationship with your ex, who had cheated on you previously, and isn’t even interested in a serious relationship. You jeopardised a stable relationship for instability. Ask yourself why you have been risking the serious relationship your fiancé is offering you to continue something so casual. The answer is likely to be somewhere in the baggage you’re carrying from other relationships or from childhood.

It is apparent that a break from both situations might also be helpful for you to start again with clarity, honesty and confidence. Whatever is causing the lack of clarity for you, whether low self-esteem, fears, dependency, etc, you will need to quiet those internal storms enough to make smart decisions about stabilising your life. It is possible and probable that you have been thinking that you’re simply getting the best of both worlds. But as is said, what we sow we tend to reap! Sowing deception means, expect a harvest of deception.

My advice:

Make a decision: Decide what you think is the best path for your life. I suggest it may be to take some time out to be alone. If not, decide if you want to keep the casual relationship with your ex. You’d certainly have to end it with your fiancé. Make a decision and live with it. That’s what maturity and integrity are about.

Speak to your fiancé: Create a proper opportunity to confess to him. You may want to have some support there in case the conversation becomes heated. You will need wisdom and strength and he will need help to accept that he was being deceived. Make sure to apologise to him. Make sure to let him know you fully understand that he may want to end it. Ask his forgiveness, even if the relationship is ending.

Marriage, as is said, is “big people business”. It is a grand institution. It is a sacred opportunity. It is certainly a blessing. However, it can cause tremendous challenges when not handled correctly. Every treasure can bring trouble if it isn’t cared for properly.

I pray that wisdom will prevail and that you will be strong enough to take the path that you must.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to [email protected].