Young Jamaican mother rejects deadbeat babyfather after years of lies and neglect

Dear Pastor,

I am twenty-four and the mother of one child. My son is four. His father and I started dating when I was seventeen and he was twenty-two. We began having sex not long after. I lived with my grandmother, who is visually impaired.

Even though she could not see well, she knew my boyfriend’s voice. Whenever he visited, he would sit and talk with her for long stretches. I had my own room and often let him in while my grandmother was asleep, so she did not always know he was there.

Things were fine until I became pregnant. He wanted me to abort the pregnancy, but I refused. I told my grandmother, and I also told my mother, who did not take the news well. I cried for days—not mainly because I was pregnant, but because he kept pressuring me to get rid of the baby.

My godfather stepped in after my boyfriend began ignoring me. He and his wife helped me find work cleaning their house. They had a washing machine and a dryer. As my pregnancy progressed, one of them would drive me home after work. They also tried speaking to my boyfriend.

One day he told them I should go and find another man and stop linking his name with someone else. That remark made me despise him. When my son was born, I registered him in my name alone. The child is the dead stamp of his father—he has everything of his father in his looks. When his father’s relatives see him, they call the man wicked. His mother, who at first thought I had been with another man, later started giving me money to help with her son’s child.

He is now coming back, asking me to forgive him and suggesting we reunite for the child’s sake. I could never allow that man in my bed again. He would have to drug me.

My son is doing well in school. He lives with my godfather and his wife during the week, and they bring him to me on weekends. They have treated me like their own daughter. Yet when they took me in and helped me, this man told some of my friends that my godfather is the biological father of the child and that I am living with him.

I want nothing to do with him—nothing at all. Because of what he did, I hate all men. I have no feelings for any man right now. I do not know whether that will change after I finish college, but for now I am focused on my studies.

P.

Dear P.,

Reading your letter brought back one I received many years ago from a young woman who was involved in a relationship with another girl. We also spoke on the phone. She was in high school and came from what Jamaicans would call an upscale community—hardworking, society people. I asked how she found time for that relationship. She said the girl visited after school and went straight into her bedroom. A helper was in the house, but the young woman said the helper was deaf and would not hear the noise they made.

Your story reminded me of what she said about that deaf helper. Because you knew your grandmother could not see, you let a worthless man use you as he wished, and he got you pregnant. He then tried to push you into ending the pregnancy and told people your godfather was the father. What a big lie!

I am glad your godfather and his wife stood by you. They are doing their best for your son now. The day may come when you want to tell your son who his father is. I hope you are doing well in college. Stay strong, and please write again.

Pastor