Pastor Counsels Woman Weary of Boyfriend Who Keeps Delaying Marriage

Dear Pastor, I am 25 and I am a small woman in stature. The man I am seeing now stands at 5'11". My former boyfriend was closer to my own height, and every time we were intimate I ran into trouble. I kept telling him that the positions he chose were causing me pain. One day I said to him, 'If you would stop trying to please yourself only, this relationship will not work'. His answer was that I should stop complaining. I explained that lovemaking is meant to be enjoyable, yet there was no enjoyment in it for me with him, and in time we parted ways.

A friend and I were discussing how selfish some men can be, focused only on their own satisfaction. She told me she had suggested to her own partner that they take a trial run before any engagement, and that if they could not satisfy each other, marriage would be off the table. She says the arrangement has been working out very well.

My current boyfriend and I have now been together for six months. Each time I raise the subject of marriage, he tells me he is still testing the waters to decide whether going ahead makes sense. I told him it does not look as though he takes me seriously. Whenever we meet he wants to be intimate, and he is very well endowed. I have no objection to sex with him, but at 25 I want to settle down and have children. It feels as though he only wants to enjoy me physically without committing himself.

To my mind we have had more than enough trial runs, though he insists we need more, which makes me question his intentions. He is a good-looking man, and he makes a point of phoning me every day to check on me. We do not live together, and moving in is something I will not do unless I am married. He has often asked to sleep over, but I never allow it. I rent from an older couple who told me from the start that if I keep company, it should be one man only. When I ended things with the previous fellow I had introduced to them, I let them know, then introduced my current partner, and they said they hoped this one would last.

This man has a good job and I love him, but I cannot figure out what I have done wrong or what he is waiting on before he takes me to the altar. I often ask whether he is happy with me and he says yes, though I am unsure whether to believe him. We rarely go out; most of our time is spent at home eating, drinking, and being intimate. I am wondering whether to give him an ultimatum, because I am worn out from waiting. E.

Dear E., I am sorry you agreed to a trial run with this man, because he ought to know better. I once spoke with a young man from Nigeria who felt a man should always test the waters first. In his view, a man should not limit himself to one woman but be involved with as many as possible. It surprised me that he held that belief, since he is a Christian. Clearly he had sampled enough women, because he did eventually marry. He turned out to be a poor husband who did not treat his wife well, and after they had a couple of children together he returned to Nigeria.

You did not say how old the man in this relationship is. I am generally hesitant to advise a woman to issue an ultimatum, and I am afraid that if you set one with this man, he will use you and then leave you. Instead, tell him plainly that you are tired of giving him your all while he refuses to say what his intentions are. Pastor