Kingston woman says live-in partner stopped showing appreciation

Dear Pastor, I am 33 years old and I am still trying to learn how to value the man in my life. He is 38. I do my best for him. About two years ago, when we moved in together, his behaviour shifted. Before we shared a roof, he was different. He showed more appreciation back then. Whenever I did something for him, he would thank me, but since we started living together that gratitude has dried up. He treats whatever I do as an obligation because I am his woman and we share a home.

When I asked him why he no longer expresses appreciation, he insisted that he does, pointing to the fact that he covers most of the bills and hands me money each week for the market and supermarket. He prefers ground provisions over rice, so I make sure to stock up on them. I have explained to him how expensive ground provisions have become and how I have to hunt down people who bring them into Kingston from the country areas. Even so, no thank-you ever comes.

For his birthday in January, I ordered a cake, picked up champagne and laid out a beautiful table. He walked in and was clearly taken aback. But the first thing out of his mouth was that he could not believe I had spent so much on a cake and champagne. There was no "Thanks, I love you and I appreciate what you have done." I called him ungrateful. After we cut the cake and drank the champagne, all he was interested in was sex. I was ready for that, but I had hoped for a word of appreciation first.

His position is that I should be able to see he cares because he handles nearly all the bills and we are never hungry. It has been ages since I have heard him say, "Honey, I love you." When I raised it, he told me his daily actions are proof enough of his love. When I moved in, I did not have to carry a stick of furniture; I left everything at my parents' house for my siblings to use, and I warned them to mind the items because I do not know how long this relationship will last.

Am I asking too much by wanting him to show appreciation, Pastor? He claims that what I do for him is simply what any woman should do for her man under the same roof. Do you share that view? Am I wrong to want more? G.S.

Dear G.S., Years ago I came across a story, whether I heard it or read it I cannot recall. A woman kept asking her man, "Honey do you love me?" Eventually he replied, "I told you once, I told you twice, now don't ask me again. If I change my mind, I would tell you." What many men miss is that women truly want to hear that they are appreciated. It is not only a man's actions that move a woman; she also needs the words "I love you."

I hope every man takes that on board. Women never tire of hearing those three words from their men. And if a man says it without meaning it, the woman will sense it. So to every man reading this column, start telling your wife that you love her, in plain words. Pastor