Dear Pastor,
I am a 40-year-old mother of two sons and a daughter. My daughter, who is 14, lives with me and her father. My sons have moved out, although I visit with them daily.
My partner is devoted to his daughter, and she sometimes acts as though she is in charge of me. She is free to discuss anything with me, but usually chooses to confide in her father.
Her father recently told me that one of his friends had commented to her about how attractive she was and the appearance of her breasts. The friend is around her father’s age. I urged him to confront the man and give him a warning, but he responded that he would sharpen his machete.
Although my daughter appears older than 14, I am confident that nobody has touched her sexually. When I asked why she had not told me about the remarks, she explained that she remained quiet because the man was her father’s friend.
She later caught me off guard by asking how old I was when I first had sex. I told her that information was private. She then disclosed that some girls at her school have boyfriends and are sexually active. I made it clear that she is too young for sex, but I ended the discussion without revealing when my own sexual life began.
I was 17 when I first had sex, and the man involved was 60. I kept the experience secret. He was the uncle of one of my friends and frequently bought pizza for me because he knew how much I enjoyed it.
One Saturday, he arranged a meeting, carried me to a pizza restaurant and purchased a large pizza. My parents were away when he brought me home. He requested a brief sexual encounter, using a term I did not understand at first. After explaining it, he assured me that he would be gentle when I admitted being frightened.
I allowed him inside and secured the door. He lowered my shorts and penetrated me from behind. The encounter lasted fewer than five minutes. Afterwards, he offered me money, but I declined. I hurriedly let him out, and he departed.
That was how I lost my virginity. We had sex several more times, with him wearing a condom during those later encounters.
Looking back, I recognise that I was older then than my daughter is now. I have repeatedly cautioned her against being influenced by friends or allowing men to pressure her into sex. Her question about my first experience shocked me, but I eventually understood what might have prompted it. I feared that disclosing my age at the time could be interpreted as permission for her to become sexually active.
I also check each month to ensure that she has had her period. I never allow a month to pass without asking because I now know that some of her friends are having sex, and she could face similar pressure.
Am I wrong for monitoring her period every month? At times, when I see how mature she looks, I understand why men may be sexually attracted to her despite her young age.
O.
Dear O.,
Your caution is not excessive. However, both you and your daughter’s father need to confront and warn the man whom she says approached her sexually. Protecting her is a shared parental duty, not yours alone.
A mother does not have to disclose every personal detail of her own life to her daughter. You therefore made the right decision by withholding the age at which you first had sex.
At the same time, your daughter must become comfortable trusting you. Take care not to make her feel that you have no confidence in her. Remind her regularly that she is loved and trusted, and encourage her to succeed at school and in whichever career she eventually pursues.
Syndicated from Jamaica Star · originally published .