Pastor Urges Counselling After Wife Demands Payment for Marital Intimacy

Dear Pastor,

I need your guidance. My wife and I keep clashing over finances. I am the sole earner in our household. For roughly the past two years, she has been unable to keep steady employment. She struggles with how she speaks to others. Each position she lands lasts only briefly, and customers regularly complain that she treats them harshly.

Our rent is high, and we are raising two sons who consume a great deal of food. My wife also has a heavy appetite. Every Friday, she looks to me to bring home chicken — she already knows the kind she wants. She rarely prepares meals herself. When I explain that I cannot afford her preferred chicken or the other treats she wants, she asks whether I am suggesting she should sell her body for cash. I was stunned to hear that from her. I made it clear that if she was thinking along those lines, she should keep those thoughts to herself.

My wife is far from foolish; she could find ways to earn from home. Covering rent, groceries, utilities, and more is a strain when she remains at home while her weight keeps increasing. Several of her friends, who are not as bright as she is, already work online.

Not long ago, I hoped for some closeness with her. She resisted. I tried on three separate occasions and met the same response. When I asked if she was menstruating, she said no — then declared she would bill me for any pleasure. I could hardly process what she said. I told her I did not realise I was sharing a bed with someone acting like a sex worker. I also said I have never paid for sex outside our marriage.

I have never fallen behind on rent. I take our children to school. I give my wife funds for groceries, though I stopped buying fast food every week. Now she seems to think she can penalise me by denying intimacy.

Finding another woman would not be hard for me, but I remain faithful because I do not want to drain our budget paying someone else while I am married. She persisted with that behaviour until one night I lost my temper, ripped her underwear, and shouted at her. She told me to lower my voice so the neighbours would not hear.

Pastor, why should a husband have to pay his own wife for sex? Is this reasonable?

Dear A.,

You and your wife may need to book a session with a family counsellor. These are difficult times, and every woman ought to contribute what she can toward household bills and the care of the children.

Some time back, another woman wrote to say she had begun charging her husband for sex. Each time he sought intimacy, she named a price. To preserve peace and keep the marriage intact, he paid what she asked. That kind of arrangement is unhealthy. How can a wife see herself as anything other than a prostitute when her husband must pay her for sex? Yet this pattern has persisted in some homes for years.

Before I entered counselling work, a businesswoman told me that whenever she was upset with her husband, she withheld sex to punish him. He refused to accept that. He destroyed her underwear and took what he wanted; the following day he willingly gave her money to buy replacements. She was not charging him for intimacy — but your wife is charging you. I feel for your situation.

If you agree to pay, expect the fee to climb without warning. Genuine online work exists. If your wife truly wishes to earn, she should be able to locate something suitable.

Please arrange to speak with a counsellor.

Pastor