Pastor Tells Single Mother to Leave Boyfriend Who Won't Marry Women With Children

Dear Pastor,

I am 30, and so is the man I have been seeing. I am a mother of two. He has no children of his own and is not the kind of man who runs around. He is very close to his mother, and every woman he has dated had to win her approval. His brothers and sisters lived differently. They had plenty of girlfriends, went out at night, and enjoyed themselves. He rarely went anywhere. After high school he went straight to university and now holds a solid job. He has never moved out of the family home, while his siblings have all gone their own way.

We work at the same company. When our relationship began, I was the one who had to decide where we would go. I know this may sound harsh, but it is the reality. Six months into dating, I had to ask him plainly whether he was ready to be a man in this relationship. He had never been sexually involved with anyone before me. I was his first.

I care for him, but now that I am pressing for commitment, he is pulling back. He says he cannot marry a woman who already has children. He knew from the start that I have two. I have never kept that secret. At work I speak about my children openly and keep their pictures in my office. I have learned that his mother is the one who convinced him that a man should not take a wife who has children.

Even so, he still wants us to keep dating. For Valentine's Day he asked to take me out, and I told him I already had plans. He said I should not treat him that way. I explained that I was not wronging him, but that staying with him would only block me from finding a man willing to marry me and my children. He is a decent person, but he cannot make decisions for himself. His mother runs his life in a way she never could with her other children. He does not even have a bank account in his own name. His mother's name is on it. Sometimes he calls me late at night while I am asleep, and I still speak with him. I do not know whether I can change him. He is now asking whether I can help him find a girlfriend — one without children.

D.

Dear D.,

If a man has made up his mind that he will not marry a woman who has children, or even a single child, no one should pressure him to think differently. At the same time, you should not take on the job of finding a girlfriend for him, especially one who has no children.

Some men refuse to marry mothers because they do not want to feel responsible for raising another man's children. My advice is to leave this man alone. A woman without children is not automatically a better or more virtuous partner. I hope he will understand that in time.

Do not try to change his position. Tell him to stop calling you late at night. In plain terms, you are wasting your time continuing these conversations with him.

Pastor