Pastor urges woman to leave shared home after long rift with mother-in-law

Dear Pastor,

I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 19. I had already known his mother for about two years by then. My own family was not treating me well, so I left and went to stay with him. His mother and I were once very close, but we fell out a few months ago. Two earlier disputes had already set things on edge.

The first happened after I bought a particular product I had seen online, said to be good for “down there.” I placed it in the refrigerator. My boyfriend, his mother, and his brother share one home and most household items. We usually live peacefully, so anything I buy is open for others to use. I am not a selfish person. Still, I had a sense his mother might consume it, so I asked my boyfriend to ask her to leave it alone. I later learned she took offence. I care deeply for my mother-in-law and never meant to upset her. When she stopped answering my calls, I apologised.

On another occasion, my boyfriend’s brother took the clips from my jar without asking and filled it with bleaching cream. I do not support skin bleaching, and I felt disrespected that he never checked with me first. We quarrelled, and bad feeling spread between him, his mother, and me. I stayed in the house but stopped speaking to anyone.

One morning she began cursing and carrying on wildly. I said nothing. She declared that if I planned to move out, I would have to go by myself because I would not be taking her son from her. She also said she already knew her son would pick me over her, which struck me as very strange.

We had been preparing to relocate. I could not move all my belongings at once. The landlord at the place we hoped to rent gave the unit to someone else, saying we were taking too long. Some of our things were already there, and my nice curtains disappeared.

My boyfriend backs me up whenever I am hurt. His mother, however, cursed me and accused me of manipulating her son. Roughly eight months have passed since that blow-up, and we have not spoken since. She told me to go and “what’s it what’s it” my mother, ordered us to leave, said I was making a fool of her son, and made clear she did not like me.

I know she loves her son. She is a single mother with only her sons, but children must eventually leave the nest. Parents ought to be proud when that time comes. My boyfriend and I both attended traditional high school, which is where we met. We have been together for eight years.

T

Dear T.,

Let me start with a word of encouragement. From what you have written, I believe you are a decent young woman with good intentions. I also believe this man loves you and that you love him. An eight-year partnership is not a small thing.

Moving into his home alongside his mother and other relatives was, in my view, an error. I think you hoped everyone could live as one happy household, sharing freely. Instead, it seems your mother-in-law grew envious and could not accept how well you and her son got along.

I am not saying you did everything right; you admit there were missteps on your side. Even so, this woman shows you little respect. That is why she felt free to hurl the harshest words at you without expecting you to answer back. She does not love you as family. For that reason, you should not remain under the same roof.

You and your boyfriend need your own place, with your own furniture and appliances. I do not encourage young couples to cohabit outside marriage, though I know some argue it is sometimes unavoidable. After eight years together, however, it may be time to marry.

I am pleased that he defends you when you are wronged. That comes from love. Thank you for trusting me with your story. You have my prayers. I would also urge you both to book a session with a family counsellor. Reach out whenever you need further help.

Pastor