Pastor tells woman to let pregnant cousin choose marriage on her own

Dear Pastor,

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 30. I was raised in a household with little money. My father worked as an ordinary labourer and my mother traded goods to help make ends meet. He laboured tirelessly, yet his wages stayed small. He has three children, though my mother insists there were more; my father always said that depended on what each mother gave him.

Even with our struggles, my parents opened their home to a cousin who was worse off than we were. We were the same age and grew up like sisters. One day she said she had something to share, but only if I swore to keep it secret. I agreed. She then revealed that before moving in with us, her father's brother had sexually abused her when she was just 12.

I asked why she never told her mother. She said her uncle warned that speaking up would cost every member of the family their lives, and she did not want to test that threat. He attacked her on at least three occasions. The first time he did not enter her fully; the second time he did, and she bled slightly. He ordered her to clean herself, wash her underwear, and hang it to dry before her mother returned. He also handed her cash. Her mother noticed nothing. When her parents later asked mine to take her in, she was relieved.

She later asked whether I had ever had sex. I said no. She was 15 when she confided all of this. I was shocked that an uncle respected in our district could molest his own niece.

We sat exams together and both passed—she earned five subjects and I four—and scholarships carried us into college. At 18 we shared a room. I had no interest in men, but she did and soon took up with a much older boyfriend who was employed and supported her with cash. I relied on whatever my parents could send. She hid nothing from me. When their relationship turned sexual, she told me straight. I cautioned her, but she paid no heed. She eventually became pregnant and had to leave college.

After the pregnancy, I learned that this man lived with his mother, who was often away from home. The outings he promised my cousin usually ended at that house, where they had sex. He also kept other women, including one roughly his mother's age. Part of what he gave my cousin came from that older woman's money. Now that he has made her pregnant, he wants to marry her. She says she is not ready. He is still involved with the older woman—she has overheard their phone calls. He told my cousin she already gained from the funds that woman provides, and that a wedding would not end his tie to her. That woman prefers younger partners, and he sees his role as pleasing her while taking her money. I do not know what counsel to offer my cousin. Please advise.

Z.

Dear Z.,

I am sorry to hear that your relative suffered sexual abuse as a child. She stayed silent because her uncle threatened the entire household, and that fear held her back. Still, after that painful past, she became involved with men and did not pour all her energy into her studies. She pursued this particular man even though he had other partners.

She did not walk away, largely because he supplied her with money. He also maintained a relationship with an older woman, and your cousin knew it yet remained with him. Now he wants marriage. Your cousin doubts she should accept because he is still linked to that much older woman. Her child's father has been blunt: she has already shared in the benefits of his arrangement with that woman, and marrying him would not sever it. In his view, she would keep gaining from what he receives from the older partner.

Do not urge her to marry this man. At the same time, make clear that the choice rests with her alone. You do not want her, years from now, to hold you responsible if her relationship with her child's father falls apart.

Pastor