Stepfather Seeks Pastor's Guidance as Adult Stepson Treats Shared Home Like a Motel

Dear Pastor,

My wife and I have been together for 17 years, through good times and rough patches. Before we wed, she had a son and a daughter with two different men. I have a daughter who stays with my mother. My wife's children live with us. The daughter listens and behaves well, but the son is a different story. He is 20. The one thing he avoids is cursing at me when I speak to him.

I have told him repeatedly that if he does not want to hear what I have to say, he is free to move elsewhere. My wife insists I am trying to put him out. What I mean is simpler: this is my house, and if he will not listen or show regard for me, he should remember that and make his own arrangements. He has never treated me as a father figure and does not call me daddy. That does not trouble me much; I feel his mother should have taught him to show me respect.

When we married, I carried the children to school and covered the cost of their exams. Their biological fathers offered no help. The young man now has girlfriends. He brings them inside, takes them to his room, and shuts the door. I raised the matter with his mother and said it showed a lack of respect for us. She replied that because he is over 18 and legally an adult, we should not try to stop him from having his girlfriend in the house.

His sister does not bring boyfriends here. Her friends who visit are girls. Still, I am a man and I know what goes on when he takes a woman to his room and locks the door. He blasts his music, which tells me he is having sex with these women. His mother sees nothing wrong with any of it.

I am a peaceful person and I do not look for conflict. I am no longer a young man. I will not let this stepson run me off my own property. From where I stand, his mother seems willing to let that happen, but I refuse to accept it.

I am not clear on the law. When we bought this house, it had two bedrooms. I later built on another room and a bathroom. My mother and I purchased the property because she was meant to live here with me. After I fell in love with my wife, my only sister, who lives in North America, took my mother to stay with her.

I told my wife that if we cannot live in peace and she keeps giving her son free rein in my home, we may have to part ways. She answered that I would not be able to remove her from the house because she is my lawful wife. I do not know how the courts would treat my case, but I am not walking away from this place. I intend to remain here for the rest of my life, but not under these terms. The house belongs to my mother as much as to me; her name appears on the title.

I cannot forbid the young man from having a relationship, but I believe I have every right to tell him not to bring women into this house, go to his room, and close the door behind him. Our home should not function like a roadside motel. I need your guidance.

R.

Dear R.,

I stand behind the position you have taken. The young man shows you no respect, and he shows his mother none either. She has, in my view, been enabling his conduct. He turns the music up loud because he does not want anyone overhearing what may be happening with these women in his room.

Even if no sexual activity were taking place, bringing women into your home, retreating to a bedroom, and shutting the door is plainly disrespectful. Your wife is acting as though sound morals do not matter to her. I am not qualified in law, but I believe you should consult a lawyer and obtain proper legal guidance. Your wife appears ready to contest your claim to the house. From what little I understand, she may face a difficult battle, though I will not attempt to offer legal advice here.

Pastor