Pastor counsels man against marrying child's mother over foul language and family rift

Dear Pastor,

I am 31 and my girlfriend is 33. We live together and share a two-year-old child. I only recently started following Christ, and that change has led me to stop sleeping with her. Church elders warned me that carrying on would be fornication, and they said I should either marry her soon or leave the relationship.

Resisting her has been difficult. She still wants intimacy and keeps pressing me whenever she touches me or asks for sex. I keep refusing, but she does not accept my explanation. She insists no church should control when we have sex and says she does not believe what I am telling her. Lately she has accused me of seeing someone else.

Her actions have brought serious strain. She telephoned an ex-girlfriend and told her to stay away from me, claiming I had stopped being intimate with her because I was back with that woman. When the ex called to tell me what happened, I was stunned. My girlfriend said she did it because I must be sleeping with that girl or with someone else. She also said I was lying about what the church and the elders told me.

Even if marriage were an option, I do not think I could wed the mother of my child. She has a hot temper and cannot hold her tongue when she is angry; nearly every other word is a curse. She also dislikes my relatives and resents the time I spend with them. My sister, who lives out west, was travelling to Kingston on business and asked to sleep at our place for one night before heading home. We had room for her, but my child's mother refused to let her inside. Given all of that, I wonder why I should marry this woman. I doubt I could be happy with her as my wife.

I have also failed to get her to attend church with me, especially after I explained that the elders said I cannot remain a member while living in fornication. She despises my church. Still need your guidance.

C.

Dear C.,

Your child's mother is indeed stirring up trouble, though I recognise the adjustment may be hard for her. You were living and sharing a bed without anyone questioning it. Now, after what you describe as a conversion, you have cut off sex because you view intimacy outside marriage as fornication. The elders have told you to separate from her or marry her.

She does not accept that their counsel has changed your conduct. She thinks you are sleeping with an ex, which is why she contacted a former partner she knew you had dated. She is being willful, creating problems, and making life difficult for you.

You have already decided you will not marry her because she cannot control her speech. She needs to clean up her language. She had no business calling your ex to investigate whether you were being unfaithful. She would not even allow your own relatives to spend a single night under your roof. In my view, she is not a suitable partner.

You might book a session with a family counsellor. As things stand, however, she would not make you a good wife.

Pastor