Pastor Addresses Young Husband's Troubling Honeymoon Confession

Dear Pastor,

I am 23, and so is my wife. We have now been married for two years, but our relationship started when we were still teenagers.

From early in our intimate life, she never wanted the room bright when we were together. Any time we were going to have sex, she would insist that the lights be switched off. I was her first sexual partner.

For our honeymoon, her mother and father covered the cost of a hotel stay. We arrived after dark, had sex, and then went to bed. The next day, we chose not to leave the room, so we ordered food there. After eating, we fell asleep. Later, when I tried to be intimate with her again, she pushed back. I asked what the problem was, but she said there was none.

I came to realise that she only wanted sex at night, when I could not properly see her body. One time, I entered the bathroom while she was there, and she screamed as though she was under attack. I told her to stop shouting, and she said she would call the police. I told her she could do so.

She acted as if there was something wrong with her, although I could not see anything wrong. I told her I was ready to go to jail if the police came for me. I dried her body, lifted her, and carried her to the bed. She resisted me again.

I am embarrassed to describe everything that happened, but I forced the situation. It felt as if I was raping her. When it was over, she called me a beast. Looking back, I know I acted like one, and I did not apologise. We had taken condoms with us, but I did not use one, and I ejaculated inside her.

Before we left the hotel, I wondered whether she might have become pregnant, but she did not. After that, we had sex with the light on every day until she stopped asking me to turn it off. When we settled into married life, I also performed oral sex on her.

She later explained that, while growing up, she had been taught that no man should see her private body except a doctor. Because of that, she felt ashamed to undress in front of me, even though I am her husband.

These days, when we are by ourselves at home, she sometimes walks around wearing only underwear. I like how she looks, and I tell her that. I believed we would have had a child by now. I once thought she had conceived on our honeymoon, but I was mistaken. She is very eager to become pregnant.

F.

Dear F.,

Years ago, while attending a conference in the United States, I heard a man boasting about his holiness and the respect he said he showed his wife. He claimed he had never seen her without clothes, even though they had been married for many years. The people listening to him were amazed. It is difficult to understand how a husband could spend so long in marriage and still say he had never seen his wife naked, but that was his claim.

I also recall a letter from a woman who said she had never seen her husband unclothed. According to her, he would take his clothes into the bathroom, bathe, and dress again before coming out. That raises serious questions about how such a couple manages intimacy.

She said that, when they were going to have sex, he would cover himself with the sheet, remove his pyjamas underneath it, and then ask her to get on top of him. Whatever others may say, I believe something is wrong when a man behaves in that way.

The human body, I believe, is a wonderful creation of Almighty God. A husband and wife should not have to feel shame before each other. I accept that some women may carry certain inhibitions, but over time those feelings can be overcome. That is one of the reasons premarital counselling matters.

Why should a man feel ashamed of his own body? I do not know the answer, but something is not right. The Bible speaks about a man fully enjoying his wife, and his wife should also take pleasure in him.

How can a couple truly enjoy each other if they remain covered? I say again, something is not right, and I will leave the matter there.

Pastor