Mother of three seeks pastor's counsel after partner rejects formal marriage

A 40-year-old woman has turned to the Tell Me Pastor column for advice on a relationship that has lasted many years but never led to a wedding.

Writing anonymously, she said she has two daughters and one son with a man who does not believe in marriage. The couple lived together in his parents' house. He leans toward Rastafarian thinking and holds that scripture teaches a man to take a woman and treat her as his wife, making a formal ceremony unnecessary in his view.

She said there is little point in pressing the issue. Her partner has supported the children throughout their upbringing, paying school costs and ensuring they had lunch money. Friends have spoken highly of the relationship. He was closely involved with their son, who has become a successful businessman, while both daughters are now teachers.

Even so, she does not believe he will ever agree to marry her. She attends church with the children, where many people, including the pastor, address her as though she were married. She tells her children not to follow their father's example and not to live with any man who is unwilling to marry them.

As a stay-at-home mother, she asked what would happen to her if circumstances changed. He told her not to worry, saying the house would be hers if he died. His father had already given him the property. She described him as firm once his mind is made up. She also said he has never been violent toward her and that they do not fight or curse each other. He even gives her money for church offerings, yet has never proposed marriage.

"I am longing to get married. What can I do?" she asked.

In his reply, the pastor told her that because she has lived with this man for many years, Jamaican law treats the arrangement as a marriage. He said it is unfortunate that her partner will not stand before a marriage officer to exchange vows. He advised her to speak with a lawyer who can explain her rights. He noted that she needs peace of mind and that she has likely contributed significantly to the household in a home that, she said, was given to her children's father by his own father.