Tony Deyal | Cricket tests and quadrennial football – Part 2

In 1950, the West Indies team won, for the first time, against the English! Immediately, one of the greats, the Lord Beginner (Egbert Moore), one of the great calypsonians, came up with one of his best songs ever, Victory Test Match. 

Interestingly, after so many years later, the female cricketers of the Caribbean are back in England for the ICC Women’s T20 World Cup 2026. But, as if that was not enough in sports, the best football from the past into the future is starting from June 11 to July 18 in Canada, Mexico and the United States and ending with the final for the winner of the next four years in New York on July 19. 

In other words, football season is finally here. As one group says, “The grills are fired up, fantasy rosters are locked in, and couches across America are being perfectly molded to fit one thing: dad bods in game-day sweatpants. But let’s be honest  —  football season isn’t just about touchdowns, tailgates, and referees who apparently need glasses. It’s also about tradition. And, for dads, that tradition often includes one sacred ritual: unleashing terrible jokes that make everyone in the room groan louder than a missed extra point.” 

What makes it worse is that while a huge number of people are ensuring their presence to follow the football, it will not start immediately. There will be about seven days before the first ones start and that is where and when the jokes, puns and “hard talk” take place almost full-time. 

But, unfortunately, not yet. Right now, there are many people, especially in the Caribbean and other countries, who love cricket and football. However, when the majority of “football” folks, men and women, from so many places throughout the world are heading there, we need to learn (if we can) about what they’re saying. The best way to start is to learn quickly, like some of the greats. For instance, as one of the “football” experts shouts, “I hate it when people compare Lionel Messi with Jesus. I mean he’s good and all, but he’s no Messi.” There is also, “What do Lionel Messi and a magician have in common? Both do ‘hat-tricks’.” Imagine spending six days before the first game starts and you have to deal with, “Why was Cinderella so bad at football? Because she kept running away from the ball!”; “Why do football players do well in school? Because they know you to pass!”; “What do you call a football team that sings? The Rolling Goals!”; “Why did the football team bring string to the game? To tie the score.”; and back to one of the greats again, “Why was the best footballer in the world asking to tidy his room? Because he was Messie!”

For many of those who got there early in the three areas, Canada, Mexico and the United States, they needed to talk and talk some more, or laugh at longer jokes, or even just lime for those days. For example, Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss. "My boy," an old man behind him said, "I saw you play. I think I can help you." "Are you a coach?" asked Timmy. "No,” responded the old man, “I'm an eye doctor." Another, wanting to come up with a better joke, said, “I left two tickets on my dashboard yesterday. Someone smashed the window and left two more.” Not to be outdone, one of the others in the group was upset, “Guys, I was wondering why the football kept getting bigger and bigger … . And then it hit me.” One of the best talkers decided to go even better than all the others, “You know that ending the world can happen, especially when we lose the game. Hours after the end, there was a border dispute between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversation to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, told the devil, “The heat must be affecting your brain, the came would be so one-sided, don’t you know all the ‘good’ lawyers go to heaven?” The devil, smiling, responded, “Yeah, but we’ve got all the ‘refs’.” The best among the group was a football hooligan who was a rowdy, violent troublemaker who causes damage, or engages in disruptive behaviour in public spaces. He appeared in court one day charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer stated that the accused had thrown something into the river. The judge asked, “What exactly did the accused throw?” The officer replied, “Stones, Sir.” The judge felt better and said, “Oh well, it is hardly an offence is it?” The officer made it clear, “But Sir, it was in this case Sir. Stones was the referee.” 

One of the most interesting developments in football is that, increasingly, there are many football leagues travelling to play against others for massive financial rewards. This is because football is a highly lucrative, global entertainment industry. Clubs compete in lucrative cross-border tournaments to secure multi-million-dollar broadcasting rights, global sponsorships, and merchandise sales. When you play in international tournaments, you're allowed to expose your brand to new places like North America, Asia, and the Middle East. More importantly, companies pay premium money to make even more. However, with the different companies, places and supporters there is “talk” or jokes like: “During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. ‘It was heart-breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,’ said João, age 6.”; “What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup long.”;  “In 26 years as Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson won 13 Premier League trophies, 10 community shields, 5 FA Cups, 4 League cups, 2 Champions Leagues and only used one piece of chewing gum.”;  “What does a West Ham United (or your favourite mid-table team) fan do after winning the Premier League? They turn off the Xbox and go to bed,”; “What do you call a person from Wales in the FIFA World Cup final? The referee.” 

As supporters need to win some money, there are others who are ahead with rowdy, disorderly and sometimes violent troublemakers. They are the worst because they can cause damage or even engage in disruptive behaviour in public spaces, drink and make friends to jump and shout for everyone to hear. Normally, this would be the last straw. However, especially when the game is close, it is better to stay quiet and hope instead of hearing the kind of stuff they shout loudly like: “Why did the tiny soccer player take a shower? He was a little Messi.”; “Why are goalkeepers bad friends? Because they always block you”; “Why hasn't India ever competed in the football World Cup? Because, every time they get a corner, they try to build a shop on it.”; “Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.”; and, as one said about his father, “My dad was renowned for ‘thinking outside of the box’. Great guy, but a terrible goalkeeper.”

Tony Deyal was last seen hearing a wife saying to her husband, “Choose, it’s either me or football.” The husband replied, “Give me 90 minutes to think.”