Pastor urges young woman to leave older partner after secrecy and intimacy issues

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 and share a home with a man who is 55. We are not married. Before we met, he lived with another woman who walked out, telling him he was of no use to her.

I first encountered him in a supermarket while he shopped alone. He opened a chat about how expensive life has become and how carefully he chooses what to buy. He asked whether I was on my own; I said yes. When I asked the same of him, he said he lived alone. At the till he offered to cover the handful of things I had picked up, and I accepted. Outside, we swapped phone numbers and I waited until he got into his car.

That evening I rang to thank him again. He answered “Anytime.” He asked me to come to his house, but I refused because we had only just met. He then suggested lunch the next day. I explained I work and could join him on a day off, so we arranged it. He later named the restaurant; I went and found him there. He ate a great deal and also ordered a takeaway for the following night’s dinner.

We dated for about two months. During that stretch I drove past his place without telling him, wanting to see if he was home or if another vehicle sat in the driveway. I confided in one of my sisters, who has a car and went with me on two of those checks.

At one point I said some friends were heading to MoBay and had asked me along, saying I could bring someone, and I told him the cost. He offered to pay for me to go but would not join the trip. He handed over the money and I left with my friends. I tried him three times while away and got no reply. Back in Kingston I called to say I had been trying to reach him; he claimed his phone was probably off.

One night around 8:30 I turned up at his house unannounced. He cracked the door and said he had not expected me. When I asked to come inside he refused, saying he had a visitor. I could see a woman there. I said that was fine, left, and took a taxi home. Two days passed with no word from him. When I called, he apologised for shutting me out and claimed the woman was a cousin. I asked why he had not introduced us; he said she would assume we were lovers. I believe they are lovers and that is why he kept me outside.

He still wants us to see each other. Whenever we spoke I would ask after his “cousin,” and his explanations never held together. In the end I moved in with him and learned the earlier complaint was true: he truly has no sexual use. Even if I am naked in the house, nothing stirs him.

I went through his phone, found a number he dials often, and called it myself. The woman who answered was the same person he had labelled his cousin. Without asking him, I invited her over; she came and he was furious. I wanted to know whether they had slept together. She denied any such thing, yet he admitted they are not related. She said that when she visits he puts on music, she dances and strips for him, and he pays her.

I told her I planned to return to my parents’ home because I cannot stay with a man who is sexually dead to me. She offered to show me how to dance and strip so I could make a lot of money from him, saying that is what he wants.

Pastor, this man is not normal.

K.

Dear K.,

I cannot support you remaining in that household. The dancer may be holding back part of the story, and this man has already shown he cannot be trusted. Leave the relationship without delay. You have a job and can stand on your own. What you have with him is unhealthy; cut it off. Look for a decent partner.

Pastor